


Mad Love

by XtaticPearl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7886101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: How do you get stabbed by a madman?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad Love

“Tony?”

“Yes, dorito?”

“Why am I holding a cup to my ear?”

Tony laughed into his cup-phone even as the man near him shifted uneasily, eyeing him like a three-day mold.

“It’s an Asgardian phone, Steve. Clearly a three year old invented it but hey, divine tech is still tech,” the genius shrugged and leaned against the glass barrier, ignoring the other occupant of his room, “How did Fandral convince you to use it anyway?”

“He told me that to refuse it would be an insult to Odin,” Steve sighed and Tony could imagine him surreptitiously eyeing every other crockery around to guess if that was some tech too, “Tony, why am I holding a cup to my ear?”

“You asked that already, don’t be boring Steven,” Tony sniffed airily.

“Yes, but I meant it. In the context of why am I holding a cup-phone to my ear and talking to you and where have you gone?” Steve said slowly like he was talking to either an incredibly slow person or someone eccentric. Which usually meant someone Stark.

“I need an answer to a significant question,” Tony said with a bored sigh and could hear silence on the other end.

“Okay,” Steve said calmly in the manner that meant that he was thinking of battle plans, “What question?”

“How do you get stabbed by a madman?” 

Steve was silent again and Tony could visualize the words ABORT ABORT RETREAT TO SANELAND dancing around Steve’s head.

“That’s an interesting question,” Steve said after a while and Tony hummed.

“Yes, and now I need an interesting answer.”

“You don’t,” Steve said promptly.

“But I **do**  need an answer, Stevano” Tony whined

“The answer is ‘you don’t’, Tony,” Steve clarified with faux calm, “You don’t get stabbed by a madman. Now my turn. Where are you?”

“Give me three options?” Tony replied and heard Steve taking a calming breath even as he could hear background voices of Natasha and Bruce telling Steve that they’ll look for him.

“How about two options? You tell me where you are or I’ll Lady Sif that you melted her sword to test the strength of the metal?” Steve asked a tad too sweetly and Tony scowled into his cup.

“Natasha is spoiling your innocent mind with her incorrigible bargaining tactics,” he tutted but Steve remained pointedly silent so he continued with a put upon sigh, “I’m fine.”

“That really doesn’t help, Tony.”

“Seriously, I’m fine. I just need to know how to get stabbed by a madman,” Tony shrugged.

“Tony…”

“Oh Fates, stop grinning Stark, you’ll attract the nerfunkles,” Loki snarked from the other corner of the room and Tony rolled his eyes at him.

“Tony?” Steve sounded dead calm.

“Yes, bedwarmer of my life?”

“Was that Loki’s voice?”

“Wow, you recognized him from **that**?” Tony asked partly impressed and partly annoyed, “How do you recognize him from a sentence? Are you a secret Loki-fan, Steve? Are you a Lokino? That’s what the new term is apparently for horny head. And by that I mean the literal horns, don’t blush, my sweet deflowered mammoth man. Should I be jealous? I feel like I should have a spark of some good old green in me now -”

“Tony, in about two minutes Bruce is going to cause a diplomatic incident if you don’t tell me **where. you. are,”** Steve cut him short and Tony bit back a wince because okay, Hulk usually meant ‘glorious battles’ with Thor and then probably the entire Asgardian bunch. Which meant Coulson attaching tasers to Tony’s clothes at all times for the short term future.

“I’m with Thor’s little bro -”

“I AM NOT HIS BROTHER!”

“- and I’m fine. I’m fine, Steve,” Tony shot Loki a raised eyebrow, waggling his eyes at the small dagger like object on the floor, “I just need him to stab me and I’ll be back.”

“ _Why_?” Steve sounded strangled like he was putting on his tight smile and escaping flirty drunk claws.

“Because apparently his collar doesn’t work till he harms someone and the door won’t open till the collar shocks him into unconsciousness,” Tony said in a bored voice, “Now don’t make me tell you the backstory of every backstory, honey. Just tell me how to get him to stab me, because I’ve tried everything and he’s like Bruce at opera. Zen. I hate it.”

“I’m coming” Steve said in reply and Tony threw his free hand up in the air.

“Oh God, don’t! Geez, Steve you’ll bring the whole party here like a herd,” Tony hedged.

“Stark, what the hell is wrong with you?” Clint’s voice came through instead of Steve’s and Tony could sense that they were all coming towards the dungeons.

“Did he just transfer my call to you. Like physically throw my call away to you?” Tony demanded, “Oh this is rude. Anytime I try to get him to take Pepper’s calls and he tells me that it’s rude and now he does the same to me. This is unacceptable. I demand refund on all those lectures.”

“Please stop talking,” Clint drawled in a suffering tone.

“No, this is against the moral balance of our relationship and I demand a - oh, hi Steve,” Tony waved when Steve and Natasha appeared in the doorway of the dungeon.

“Only you, Tony,” Natasha rolled her eyes, “Only you would manage to get locked up in a magical cell with _him_.”

“Thanks!” 

“Not a compliment,” Natasha smirked but Steve was glaring at both Tony and Loki.

“I thought this was securely locked. How did you manage to get in?” he grit out and Tony shrugged.

“Every tech has a loophole,” he said simply and Natasha looked curious but stayed silent.

“Why would you - you know what, not now,” Steve shook his head and looked around, “How do we get you out?”

“I told you, he has to -”

“Without getting you stabbed,” Steve cut Tony a glare and the genius huffed.

They couldn’t get him out without calling for Thor finally and by the time Tony was out of Loki’s cell, the entire party had learnt of him going to the dungeons. Tony griped and groused that this was the reason he didn’t want the other Avengers to come rescue him and Steve whispered something that sounded like Supernanny taser Coulson in reply. Odin was disgruntled by the incident but Frigga was highly amused and Tony made a show of being the star entertainment of the boring diplomatic party. When he said that he had gone down to meet Loki because he was bored, Clint had threatened an arrow to his ass.

Finally when they were returning home, Steve pulled Tony aside.

“Tony?”

“Yes, Cappuchino?”

“Don’t try to get stabbed by madmen, okay?”

“Hey, you said ‘call me if you get into trouble’ and I did that. I even carried a damn cup with me at all times here because Thor’s people apparently can’t differentiate between things you drink with and things you speak into. You can’t keep adding demands like this, Steven,” Tony grinned cheekily.

“What if I use…positive re-inforcement?” Steve asked with a familiar gleam in his eyes.

“That could be…persuasive,” Tony shimmied his hips lightly, “You could even try a bit of negative reinforcement. I **was** a bad boy, wasn’t I?” he waggled his eyebrows and Steve raised his own.

“Good, then you can use your cup-phone to have sex with for the next entire week,” Steve said promptly and stepped into the portal even as Tony yelled that he would if Steve was on the other end.

Tony didn’t get stabbed by madmen thankfully.

He did get a nice prick from Steve one week later though.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to leave me a prompt, come say hi on Tumblr! <3


End file.
